Today’s poem from my sequence.
Surgery
Not until they were wheeling me
along a corridor to the theatre
did it hit me: this is happening.
Some time how long later
cannulas inserted, ECG attached
I fell down the rabbit hole
never saw the march hare
cheshire cat, or mad hatter:
it was dark and timeless there
while up here it was all happening:
six hours rebuilding my stilled heart.
Twelve hours down the rabbit hole
she woke me, softly asked me
to squeeze her hand, the nurse
in this incredible Wonderland.
I really like the Alice allusion… and wondered if, ahem, it could begin with ‘ECG attached / I fell down the…” so you cut directly to the chase as it were…
In stanza 2 do you need the second reference to the rabbit hole? Without it the surprise of ‘incredible Wonderland’ is emphasised.
Okay, yes, I agree. How about this:
Surgery
This is happening: ECG attached
I fell down the rabbit hole
never saw the march hare
cheshire cat, or mad hatter:
it was dark and timeless there
while up here it was all happening:
six hours rebuilding my stilled heart.
Twelve hours under
she woke me, softly asked me
to squeeze her hand, the nurse
in this incredible Wonderland.
Much sharper – great! I see you’re still clinging to the ‘This is happening’… even though later ‘up here it was all happening’ – but hey, it’s your poem!