Deep
Take a deep breath
as you float in the sunshine
on the glinting, heaving ocean,
swallow hard and turn turtle,
head below, heels in the air,
diving down into the deep,
away from the light,
through ever-darker shades of blue,
hallucinogenic shoals of tiny fish
(silver scales, scarlet fins)
parting at your approach,
flitting off with a
flick of multitudinous tails
to reveal the sea bed,
slow-motion waving weed
beckoning you into its
intoxicating but deadly world,
ear drums pounding, head ringing,
but before it’s too late
turn, kick, reach towards the light,
rising up out of the deep,
breaking the surface
in a rush of white,
back in fresh air,
taking a deep, deep breath.
A super subject for a ‘one-sentence’ poem… I wonder if its sense of breathlessness could be further emphasised by arriving late and leaving early? Say begin with ‘Swallow hard…’ and end on ‘in a rush of white’… or, sorry getting carried away now, ‘rising up out of the deep/in a rush of white.’ Not sure that ‘exerting a fatal fascination’ is adding anything, the ‘eardrums pounding and head ringing’ is enough I think. I really like all the vivid detail in this poem, Jonathan. Super.
Thanks for your comments,Robbie: thought-provoking, as usual. I liked the taking of deep breaths at the start & finish as a bit of a joke bearing in mind the breathlessness of the one-sentence form, & the various meanings of
“deep”. I don’t know if it comes out, but the poem is supposed to have a sub-text of drug taking, hence the line about “fatal fascination”.
Ah, I didn’t appreciate the sub-text. ‘Hallucinogenic’ of course, but perhaps a couple more hints… maybe substitute ‘alien’ for a drug-culture word… the metaphor is great.
Intoxicating!