Draft 2
Remembered, a sort of wailing
There’s a saw.
And a bow. Side by side
on a rosewood table
in a room full of oohs
and aahs and chuckles.
We imagine the saw arcing
from the clasp of a player’s knees,
and the bow shredding itself
on each up-note.
We picture lots of teeth
vibrating. Not one of us
feels a pang of sorrow
for the dusty lute, rusted harp
and airless pipe organ.
We’re practising a refrain for later,
There was a saw.
Draft 1.
Remembered, a sort of wailing
There’s a saw.
And a bow. Both lie
on a mahogany table.
They’re in a room full of
oohs and aahs and chuckles.
We’re imagining the saw
tucked between a player’s knees
and arcing, the bow shredding
itself in each vertical fall.
We picture lots of teeth vibrating.
Not one of us feels sorry
for the airless pipe organ,
rusted polygraph and dusty lute.
We’re too busy storing up
There’s a saw.
Yes, this captures very well the impact of seeing a saw in that environment. The other bits & pieces can’t compete!
Was it a ‘polygraph’ or a ‘phonograph’? I thought the former indicated whether you were telling the truth or not!
You’re right, Martin, phonograph is probably what I meant!
Indeed! The saw was the star.
I think side by side gives me a flavour of things that come in two’s (for some reason) – and okay there were two brothers – but there was no Mr & Mrs. Just the way my mind works looking for clues. For me mahogany or rosewood makes no difference. I like the ending of draft 1 better – because I am more plain speaking – although I can see why you chose refrain as it fits in with the theme. I was very interested to compare the two drafts – might be an idea for the future for a group exercise sometime. You could also play around with where you start – Not one of us feels sorry … would be an interesting place to begin …